9 Fake Quotes That Summarise The 2014 uAfrica South African eCommerce Conference

The following quotes never happened at the 2014 eCommerce Conference.

Brennan Loh - Shopify

“On a budget? We’ll give you a super cheap store with pretty much most of what the big guys have anyway. Minus the Maths and Computer Science Phds.”

Warrick Godfrey - Facebook

“It’s Facebook. Ok? You know, THE Facebook? So forget about it. We do everything. What else do you need? Give us every piece of information you have and all the money we’ll do the rest. Just get ready for the customer-tsunami. We’re bigger than god.”

Malvina Goldfield - PayPal

“No… I don’t know when we’re going to start supporting Rands.”

Paul Greenberg - NORA

“No omni channel retail, no double channel, no full channel, no mixed channel. Just all channels. All the time. Like DSTV.”

Google Guy


“What? You don’t believe me? Look at this graph. Yeeeaah! You believe me now? Yes you do. Mobile. Now go home.”

John Lawson - ColderIce Media

“Aaah shiiit, y’all best pay respect to Dre’s ‘phones because those mofos know how to speak to their tribe of peoples!”

Nikki Cockcroft - Woolworths

“You guys are a terrible audience! So here’s my stream-of-consciousness bio mixed in with 500 slides to excite you. And for those of you who know me, I don’t like buzzwords, but, buzzword-buzzword-buzzword and 100 more slides.”

Justin Drennan - Parcel Ninja

“Parcel Ninja isn’t even a good name. We should have called ourselves parcel-freaking-angel-saviour-star-trek-popes because we pardon your shipping sins and teleport products wherever you want them instantly.”

Colin Fleming - Massmart (aka Walmart)

“Our company is so massive, nothing I’m going to tell you is going to have any relevance to your business. Your whole company would fit into our lollipop department. And don’t touch me on my bricks and mortar”

Nic Haralambous — NicSocks.com

“ZAR5,000 capital and 6 weeks to startup. So what’s your excuse? The secret is to talk about your product until their ears bleed.”


Just kidding around guys.

Had a good time. Great conference.

See you at the next conference!

Cover Image: Sean Park-Ross